丁卯小传

我只是很紧张，但是能做自己喜欢的事就已经很满足了。把所有的心力专注于一点上，心无旁骛，所有擦身而过的风风雨雨也就不足为奇。相信所在之处即是人间道场，所做的每一件事，遇到的每一个人，都是为自己开示的上师。这是个奇妙的过程。为解决他人的问题说出的话却是对自己问题的最好解答。宇宙借你之言之行来帮助你，也帮助了任何需要它们的人。

只是在每一次这样短暂的雨过天晴似的间歇到来之前，都太残忍，太疯狂。Churchill的那条黑狗，我们都有。只怪它太忠诚，赶不走，只好相依为命。于是，活着便体验了一次又一次的死亡。活生生的死亡气息，意识被碾得粉碎的折磨，如囚徒绑缚在阴曹地府。每个冬天，仿佛真的走入了一段生命的长眠，在冥界独步。生也好，死也罢，它已然在这有限的时空中轮转开了。地域、人间或天堂，已然历历在目。

走过一次，便不觉得稀奇。但它仍然仍然，不是一劳永逸。土星在那里或许注定是要“受苦”的，它遮蔽了许多玩乐的心情，也带走了知足的安逸。迟缓，笨重，压力，执着……苦。也苦到很认真地以为只要什么都不做就可以真正放下求解脱。也觉得这世上本无事可做，无话可说。可生活远没有这样简单。

回过头来看，走完的或许只是一个小循环，一段小周期。生命不是线性的，前路漫漫，步履不停。在有限的空间里，能够做出最好的自己，便是了不起的快乐。无关他人，只是在越过自设的障碍的过程里，有最能犒赏辛劳的喜悦和满足。一步一步，去看那想看的风景。

凌晨醒来就再也睡不着。

2010的末尾让人眩晕，疯狂并且没有方向。道歉的话不知该从何说起，伤人亦自伤。

想起三年前的那次“坠落”，恐慌犹在。之后便是泥泞路，不堪。可即便如此，也还是没有理由就此止步。

那些粗糙和琐碎，不是不明白，只是知道那并非真实。可倘若永远无法从心中的不安中走出来，便也永远无法使他人获得快乐。

我仍然在这里，一直都在。做着认为对的事情，没有离开。我不会让自己成为我所不是的。而“我是谁”，是那个不断被重复、不断敲打、不断让根系向下攀爬的回答。

我相信灵魂有她未完成的蓝图，相信她的经验和才能，相信凭借信任，她不会领我到我无法跨越的峡谷。再一次，这只是又一次，争分夺秒的爬行。

It is paradoxical to go against of oneself from time to time,

but I just want to say--Don't Fall! PLEASE DON'T FALL!

Can't shout louder. Can't feel more hurt.

It is neither being critical nor cynical that is truely annoying.

It is one's being ignorant of what he/she is doing is fearful and dangerous.

I have no right to judge, as I have no privilege to call upon anyone's additional attention.

But before being numb, I still have fears.

It might be true that I totally do not understand what others are doing when I'm critisizing,

which is always the case when we "critisize" instead of "sympathize";

but to allow oneself "descend" is the most unacceptable outcome.

One may say, "Come on! No one is 'descending', it's only your illution. It's a game."

Yes, but it WAS a memory.

A memory of frustration, ruin, crash, crying, shouting, pain, tears, floods...

A total mess and destruction that were unaffordable in mind.

They are not illusions. They could be possible if we are not conscious enough of what we are doing.

I would like to be an annoying person who is laughed at for being stupid and primative

rather than pretending to deem everything is OK when everything is truely not.

I agree that the experiences gained from the 3-dimensional reality ARE important,

Saturnian knowledges ARE important. But that is far from enough.

We need explorations, we need trial and error. Our curiosity needs to be fed with different ventures.

But just PLEASE never forget to go back HOME.

Never abuse your knowledge or power, no matter it is mental, spiritual, or psychological.

That is ALL about my fear and its anger.

That is all.

管不住自己的人，往往喜欢去管别人，以此转移管不住自己的遗憾。

如果连别人也管不住，就会加倍地遗憾了。

                                                                 ——济群法师